Being a brother or sister to someone struggling with an eating disorder can be confusing, painful, upsetting and very difficult at times…
So much so that I ended up seeking therapy for myself to try and deal with my feelings and understand a lot of the emotions I had tried to suppress when trying to be strong for my family.
I’m lucky to say that I have the most incredible sister who battled anorexia from 2020 to 2023 and is now thriving and making the most miraculous recovery. I count my blessings everyday, but I often find myself thinking back to the darkest times of her illness, questioning how I dealt with situations and reflecting on my actions.
What I will say is that there is no textbook guide to supporting someone with anorexia.
When someone close to you is initially diagnosed, you may struggle to know how to help, and find yourself feeling a range of emotions from anger to frustration to helplessness to guilt. With hindsight, there are many things I would change about how I initially reacted to my sister’s diagnosis.
However, I realise now that you never truly know how to respond until you’re faced with such situations or until you walk in those shoes. You will learn a great deal about yourself and mental health throughout this journey. I hope to use the knowledge I have gained from my experience to help others.
So here are five tips I wish I could have read when I was supporting my sister with an ED.
1. Choose your words wisely
This is perhaps the most important lesson to be learned while supporting someone with anorexia. I’ll admit, I often felt like I was walking on eggshells, carefully considering my words before speaking. However, you will discover that this caution is incredibly beneficial for your sibling’s recovery.
In the beginning, I would say things like “just eat” or “do you know what you’re doing to yourself and us?” but I realized these statements were not only unhelpful but also counterproductive.
Thoughtful and supportive communication can make a huge difference to your sibling’s journey. Communicating with your sibling about what things may be triggering or upsetting can make the world of difference.
2. Remember you’re not the parent!
Setting boundaries is essential. As a sibling, it’s important not to take on a parental role, as this can lead to tension and resentment.
When my sister was unwell, I felt compelled to tell her what to do or lecture her about her actions. I tried to control a situation that was out of my control. I soon realised that the only person who could truly help my sister recover was herself. Nothing you can say or do will change them, and trying to control the situation will only strain your relationship.
Offering support and encouragement is much more effective without making your sibling feel pressured or judged. Engaging in activities is one way to try and strengthen your relationship. For example, my sister liked puzzles and card games, which was a great way for us to bond that didn’t revolve around food.
3. Try your best to avoid family confrontation
During these times, everyone in your home environment is likely to be struggling. Remember that your parents are hurting just as much as you are, and they are also experiencing this for the first time.
Supporting a family member with an eating disorder requires teamwork, and I found that my sister thrived more in a happy home environment. The frustration and desire for a sibling to recover can often lead to anger and shouting.
Looking back, I wish I had avoided arguments and upset as this was a counterproductive approach. Maintaining a united front is crucial and can significantly aid your sibling’s recovery process. Channelling your feelings in a healthier way, such as writing them down on your phone in notes or in a journal, can be highly beneficial.
4. Speak about how you feel together
Communication is key. We hear this a lot, but I wish I had taken more time to understand my sister’s feeling when she was first diagnosed. I also wish I had shared my own feelings initially instead of getting upset and angry alone and then taking this out on my sister.
Don’t make the mistake of reacting based on assumptions, without taking the time to sit down and truly understand your sibling’s perspective. You can see how this is a vicious cycle. It is so vital to talk about how you’re both feeling. This can then foster understanding and help inform the best ways you can support one another.
5. Don’t deplete your own resources – do things you love
If anything, this is one of my most important takeaways from the past few years. It is easy to neglect your own needs while focusing on your sibling. I battled with a lot of guilt, feeling like I shouldn’t be able to enjoy myself or have fun. However, spending time with your friends or engaging in hobbies provides an escape and replenishes your emotional reserves.
It is so important to remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish but necessary to support your sibling effectively. Think of it like driving a car: the car won’t run without fuel so in terms of supporting your sibling, make sure you refill your reserves by doing things for you. This is to keep the car running and therefore enables you to give as much as you can to aiding your siblings’ recovery journey.
